Dear kid,
What do you do when your defense mechanism breaks down?
What do you do when the only thing that makes you feel good no longer does?
What do you do when the empty hole inside and the nothingness no longer temporarily shrink?
A coping technique, gives you pleasure, actual pleasure upon consuming food. Stress level peaks, you eat; you're happy, you eat; you did good in something and want to reward yourself, you eat; there's a social event, you get excited because you'll get to eat. You see, a bad day a good day, whatever the day was the mood was the setting was this process gives you immideate stings of happiness. The experience of feeling content upon eating something delicious , something juicy something soft, a crunchy texture, the right amount of seasoning and black pepper and sauces, the perfect bite and temperature. And here i am just describing it gives me pleasure,imagining the taste and the odors and the feeling.. The feeling that this meal is a safe haven, a way to be happy on your darkest day, a millisecond where you forget everything wrong going on with you, where your food wouldn't judge you, your hole will be grateful too and you can barely feel it ! Heck, everything you cried about last night and obsessed about all day is now so far from you.
Enter phase two, you either 1- eat a lot to the point where you can't breathe and you swear to yourself that you'll NEVER eat like that again (which is utter non sense because you'll do the same 2 meals later). The mathmatician in you surfaces, the calorie count begins, the miles you have to run to get rid of this, the images of how you'll look like tomorrow, in a year, in 5 years, the shame, the realization that someone might have seen you inhale your food, the shame, the idea of people seeing something weird and ask you about these food habits, people asking you about your weight, you asking you about your weight, the shame, the shame, the shame. At least that void, coming from self hate,insecurities, bad experiences, bad teaching, bad life, yeah that one, you can't feel it now that you're full of food and thoughts.. 2- eat just enough, but within half an hour you'll be hungry again, and the analyst inside surfaces, " I think you didn't eat enough, maybe the food wasn't good or enjoyable" ;why am I hungry now? I just ate enough, but i am just bored, maybe because i am stressed? "do you remember when you said something awfully inapropriate when you had that work dinner 3 months ago?" -the shame- I do have friends, my family relations are better, i have a job now at least, I AM OKAY, the shame, what did i leave out? what did i miss? time is what i missed, i wish i ate more...
Now that all of this sounds so bad, at some point, your mind decided food is not the answer, but the void still exists and you are still eating but nothing, NOTHING. That slight moment of happiness, of love, of satisfaction, no longer exists. So you inlarge the amounts, get different food, more expensive food, and nothing. Ok so i don't think food can help anymore, GREAT! Except your mind didn't have a plan B, your feelings are linked to food and now that they are not anymore, what is the mechanism? What's the technique? What do we do? how do we Cope??? I am okay with giving up that pleasure, take away the hate, the pain, the confusion, the addiction, the rely; take it all away, but do I get something in exchange? nothing? And when do i stop eating? the link is gone but i am still trying and trying to eat to make myself happy, it's just a meaningless habit now, calculations are done, i'll gain weight, i'll have health complications, i can't love myself anymore and can't allow anyone to love me at all, not when i am that broken, not when i am weak and ugly. Will eating bring back every painful moment i had as i grew up, after all, all of this started at the age of 4 or 5, and now i feel sad about myself and that little girl whom i can't change anything for, and i feel so embarrased to tell her that these habits didn't change, after all, she was just waiting to grow older to change everything. Yet here i am, at 26 , 21 years or so of the disorder, and couldn't move a stray.
I don't promise I'll change anything kid, I just need your forgiveness and acceptance, I just want to look in your face without being afraid that you're mad at me. I am so sorry things aren't really better for you, it is though, on many aspects, but on some levels we're gonna have to push much more than we thought we'll have to. I need you to believe in me again, that i'll be your hero and that i'll save you.. And you know what, i did save you, not as perfect as you thought it'd be but at least we're still alive, fighting every day, sculpting, cutting wires with our bare hands, stabbing bad roots, biting on bones and breaking armed boxes; and moving on, everyday.
I am as lost as you are kid, I don't know the way, but what you and I know is that we won't stop, I won't stop until i get to the day where I look at you and you're smiling and you have a reason to go on. Don't let go of me and always tell me what you want for us, and i'll tell you how capable we are, and just when it's time, let go, give me the wheel and let me drive.
Dear kid, even if no one outside loved you, I'll be here, the goal, the perseverance, the unit, the hero.
What do you do when the only thing that makes you feel good no longer does?
What do you do when the empty hole inside and the nothingness no longer temporarily shrink?
A coping technique, gives you pleasure, actual pleasure upon consuming food. Stress level peaks, you eat; you're happy, you eat; you did good in something and want to reward yourself, you eat; there's a social event, you get excited because you'll get to eat. You see, a bad day a good day, whatever the day was the mood was the setting was this process gives you immideate stings of happiness. The experience of feeling content upon eating something delicious , something juicy something soft, a crunchy texture, the right amount of seasoning and black pepper and sauces, the perfect bite and temperature. And here i am just describing it gives me pleasure,imagining the taste and the odors and the feeling.. The feeling that this meal is a safe haven, a way to be happy on your darkest day, a millisecond where you forget everything wrong going on with you, where your food wouldn't judge you, your hole will be grateful too and you can barely feel it ! Heck, everything you cried about last night and obsessed about all day is now so far from you.
Enter phase two, you either 1- eat a lot to the point where you can't breathe and you swear to yourself that you'll NEVER eat like that again (which is utter non sense because you'll do the same 2 meals later). The mathmatician in you surfaces, the calorie count begins, the miles you have to run to get rid of this, the images of how you'll look like tomorrow, in a year, in 5 years, the shame, the realization that someone might have seen you inhale your food, the shame, the idea of people seeing something weird and ask you about these food habits, people asking you about your weight, you asking you about your weight, the shame, the shame, the shame. At least that void, coming from self hate,insecurities, bad experiences, bad teaching, bad life, yeah that one, you can't feel it now that you're full of food and thoughts.. 2- eat just enough, but within half an hour you'll be hungry again, and the analyst inside surfaces, " I think you didn't eat enough, maybe the food wasn't good or enjoyable" ;why am I hungry now? I just ate enough, but i am just bored, maybe because i am stressed? "do you remember when you said something awfully inapropriate when you had that work dinner 3 months ago?" -the shame- I do have friends, my family relations are better, i have a job now at least, I AM OKAY, the shame, what did i leave out? what did i miss? time is what i missed, i wish i ate more...
Now that all of this sounds so bad, at some point, your mind decided food is not the answer, but the void still exists and you are still eating but nothing, NOTHING. That slight moment of happiness, of love, of satisfaction, no longer exists. So you inlarge the amounts, get different food, more expensive food, and nothing. Ok so i don't think food can help anymore, GREAT! Except your mind didn't have a plan B, your feelings are linked to food and now that they are not anymore, what is the mechanism? What's the technique? What do we do? how do we Cope??? I am okay with giving up that pleasure, take away the hate, the pain, the confusion, the addiction, the rely; take it all away, but do I get something in exchange? nothing? And when do i stop eating? the link is gone but i am still trying and trying to eat to make myself happy, it's just a meaningless habit now, calculations are done, i'll gain weight, i'll have health complications, i can't love myself anymore and can't allow anyone to love me at all, not when i am that broken, not when i am weak and ugly. Will eating bring back every painful moment i had as i grew up, after all, all of this started at the age of 4 or 5, and now i feel sad about myself and that little girl whom i can't change anything for, and i feel so embarrased to tell her that these habits didn't change, after all, she was just waiting to grow older to change everything. Yet here i am, at 26 , 21 years or so of the disorder, and couldn't move a stray.
I don't promise I'll change anything kid, I just need your forgiveness and acceptance, I just want to look in your face without being afraid that you're mad at me. I am so sorry things aren't really better for you, it is though, on many aspects, but on some levels we're gonna have to push much more than we thought we'll have to. I need you to believe in me again, that i'll be your hero and that i'll save you.. And you know what, i did save you, not as perfect as you thought it'd be but at least we're still alive, fighting every day, sculpting, cutting wires with our bare hands, stabbing bad roots, biting on bones and breaking armed boxes; and moving on, everyday.
I am as lost as you are kid, I don't know the way, but what you and I know is that we won't stop, I won't stop until i get to the day where I look at you and you're smiling and you have a reason to go on. Don't let go of me and always tell me what you want for us, and i'll tell you how capable we are, and just when it's time, let go, give me the wheel and let me drive.
Dear kid, even if no one outside loved you, I'll be here, the goal, the perseverance, the unit, the hero.
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